I have been trying to figure out for years why I am rendered completely useless when it comes to making certain decisions, yet I can be insanely successful in other areas of my life.
It’s no secret to those close to me that I have been unable to make progress and make decisions about certain things –
Here is a conversation I had today:
Why have you been unable to make a final decision about moving forward alone and to follow your dreams?
I have no idea, I am just so confused. I feel paralyzed.
What would it take for you to make a decision?
For someone else to do it for me.
When you were in college and moved out of your moms house to move to DC, and she was very angry and made you feel very guilty about it – what made you strong enough to do it then?
I just knew it was something I had to do, and the decision to follow my heart was very strong. At that time I had faith that everything would work out for me and her.
What happened then?
She committed suicide one year later. Ever since then, I have had the “compromise my life dream” just about every night of my life, where in the dream I have decided to move back (while she is still alive) to ensure her happiness, while sacrificing my own.
Duh? I get it.
Life: Version 2.0 
When I was a Senior in highschool(a FEW years ago) I wanted to go to an equestrian college in upstate New York. I wanted to be a trainer.
Horses were my passion, and mom put the kibosh on that dream. She told me that it was too far away, and she and dad had no way to allow me to travel home EVERY weekend, so no I couldn’t go to that school.
Unlike you, I didn’t have the courage to leave. I guess I knew she needed me to stay close.(dad is an alcoholic) and I had always been my mom’s reason for getting out of bed.
So I put my life on the shelf, and stayed here. I got married instead. Don’t get me wrong! I love my husband and our life together, but….. There’s always that “but”.
It isn’t your fault that your mom committed suicide( I’m sure you understand that) She obviously had her own demons that won in the end.
I congradulate your courage in following your heart. It was the right thing to do.
Thanks for the kind comments about my mom. It was a very long time ago and now is having an impact on some major decisions I need to make in my life now. I am sorry you didn’t follow your heart then, but it sounds like you created a wonderful life!
I have been reading the newsletters in depth that we got from our walk. Its such a complicated grief with losing a parent the way you did. I agree with angelinacooks. Its not your fault. It could have happened no matter what you decided to do. I send all of my love and support to you, friendliest.
Thanks friendly – Even though I know this was not my fault, it doesnt remove the fear and guilt, that’s one issue. The bigger issue is that now the “compromise my life” dream has become reality (you know what I mean). It all came clear to me yesterday – I must be so dense to have not thought of this before!