All in my head?

If any of you have been reading my blog over the past few months, you will see a series of boring posts about my crossfit workouts. I love these workouts, they are extreme and painful but when I am done, I feel invincible! I am a very strong person (both physically and emotionally) and these workouts definitely help to confirm that for me.

After much encouragement from Jen, I took the plunge and decided to try out a crossfit session at crossfit DC yesterday. This means that I attended a crossfit class with a large group of folks led by a certified Crossfit instructor. It was a beautiful day, we went outside to the park. Tom is awesome – he has a lot of energy and seems to really love what he does. Here is the workout we did:

warmup with squats, lunges. pushups, and stretches

at the park –

 Repeat the following 3 times:

• run around the block
• 20 squats
• 10 jump ups
• 20 shoulder press with 10 lb dbs (10 each side)
• 5 jumping pull ups
• 5 pushups

Then finish with short run around the park

The workout was a little challenging, especially the running part. Now – it is no secret that I am overweight – I weigh 188lbs on my short 5’2″ frame, so running in particular is hard for me. I was already nervous about attending this class where I knew that I would show up and be the heaviest one there, and participate among some extremely fit people. I arrived and immediately felt awkward and uncomfortable. I introduced myself to several class participants and I could tell that they were trying to be nice – but what was really on their mind was ‘how is she going to possibly make it through this workout’.

This is an issue that many overweight people feel – and I believe that is why we do not see more of us at the gym or attending these types of classes – which of course does not help us as we should be out there working out with everyone else. It is extremely intimidating to be a big person among folks who are fit and trim. I know many of you understand what I am talking about. Those who have never been overweight can not possibly understand how it feels to be in that position, and probably just don’t understand why we just don’t ‘lose the weight’.

I did very well and made it through the workout with some other ‘beginners’ and left right afterwards. That’s another issue, because I am not really a beginner, but in my head I felt like one because of my weight. I liked the class, but I am not sure that I want to go back (I would rather work out with Jen and other folks who know me) because I walked away still feeling uncomfortable and awkward. It has nothing to do with Crossfit DC or Tom’s class, and I know that most of this is probably in my head – but it is real to me nonetheless. I have not always been overweight. I do notice the difference between how people look at me (or how they look past me) now versus how I used to be treated when I was a ‘normal’ size.

It’s important acknowledge these feelings – because so many people have been (and still are) where I stand – and it is very difficult to talk about. Let’s face it, none of us want others to know we have such feelings, or such weaknesses. There are many of us out here who just want to be fit and healthy, whatever that means for us. We don’t have to be perfect, or have six-pack abs and a size 24 waistline. I just want to be fit and healthy, and enjoy life to its fullest – that is all. I just wish that it was easier, and that society wouldn’t place such a horrible ‘stigma’ on us heavy folks. It is such a hellacious battle – and it is SO tiring, making all of the rest so difficult to achieve. But I won’t give up my quest for health and fitness – ever.

If I ever own a gym, I will surely make sure that at least part of my focus would be on encouragement, support, and sensitivity to those in my position. Heck, I may even market services in that light. I would want to help people feel better about themselves.

In the meantime, I will just make up my mind to ignore all of the ugly ‘chatter’ within, and remind myself “I am beautiful, I am fit, I am strong“.

That’s it for now – off to the next great adventure.

peace out.