I spoke to Linda on the phone today. We were reminiscing about all the people we have reconnected with from our childhood. I was telling her about how I have recently reconnected with Jennifer, and although we have only had a few conversations, our reconnection seems to have brought about a watershed of emotion. Jennifer was the closest person I ever had to me during that time of my life, so naturally I am starting to think more about those days…
Linda then reminded me of Kevin Dwyer, a friend of mine, who committed suicide when I was about 12. She is in touch with his sister, and she informed me that Kevins’ brother also took his own life a few years later. I have been numb all day.
I remember when Kevin committed suicide and I had nightmares for weeks. I kept trying to keep a picture of him in my mind – a picture of the last time I saw him. I remember spending time with him and really liking him. He was a nice boy, cute and sensitive – not too different from my son David. I was shocked when I heard that he hung himself in his own home. I couldn’t believe it.
For so many years I have put that thought out of my head, and now it is back. Such a beautiful young boy with so much potential. I keep going over and over in my head –what could have been so horrible that it drove him to that? And then his brother too? I keep thinking about how sad all of this is.
Today is Sunday, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel a flood of sadness and anger and frustration. I am home with my kids, and I need to pick myself up and go spend time with them. The problem is that I can’t stop thinking about this.
I wonder if you have seen him? If both of you have found peace and solace where you are – if you have found the place where all is calm and love surrounds? Is that what you both were looking for? If so, I hope you found it. If I could just know that, I wouldn’t feel so sad.
If you do see him, please tell him I said hello. Tell him that I understand, and that you understand, and give him a hug because he probably really needs one. Tell him that he is loved, I am sure, by those he left behind – just as you are.
I miss you.